It’s time to admit, I cannot change.

May 28th, 2014 | 4 comments
Written by Kate Gratwicke, Founder of Best Life Tribe.
Caus I'm as free as a bird
It’s my birthday today.  I have been on this planet for 49 years.
At the moment I am feeling fairly neutral about this date … I am healthy, I have been blessed with a soul mate and two children that fill me to overflowing with love.  I am grateful.
But I have also been feeling a growing sense of expectation, for many years now in fact, that I am ripe for something new.  I once read that how you are at 50 is how you are for the rest of your life.  F**k,  I better get a move on because how I am now, is not really where I want to stay for the rest of my life.

You see, I am on a quest for ‘more’.

It is such a profound quest that I have dedicated almost three years of my life to building a business/movement around this quest, with my totally gorgeous partner in crime, Lucille Rogers.  The business as you know is called the Best Life Tribe.

It is serendipitous, that today on my birth-day,  we are working on birthing our business on-line with a new website:  www.bestlifetribe.com

The truth is I want more, I want so much more.   I have this profound sense of being only partially expressed and feel that it is my duty to unlock how to go all the way.

For many years I have believed that this ache resides in a need to change myself:  lose weight (that’s a big one for me); be tidier and more organised; be a better friend; better parent; better partner.  Achieve more, do more, and more and more.

This quest has kept me busy, sometimes to a point of exhaustion and left me living really at two speeds: head down bum up, get shit done … and then collapse, numb out, withdraw …… and repeat!

Don’t get me wrong – there has been fun along the way and for most part, I feel my way of living is the status quo for many women.

But I know my ache is real and I know enough from surrounding myself recently with women brave enough to share their truth, that I am not alone.

This weekend just past, I learnt something new about myself and the lesson came in a most unexpected way.

It’s a Saturday morning and for once my diary is empty … bliss.  I have been ‘trying’ to get my arse in gear to exercise for weeks and this morning I decided I would just dance.  No set moves, no barking instructions  … just the simple intention of getting out of my head and letting my body go where it wanted to go.

I went down to our gym (which I don’t normally use!) and cranked on some Justin Timberlake, closed my eyes and just let the music wash over me and dance.

Eyes shut, music throbbing … body responding.  It was good.  Lots of hip thrusting (who’d have known?), heaps of wobbling.  I tried not to look in the mirror (instant judgement) and just feel.

Then unexpectedly, Lynard Skynard’s  Freebird came on.  This was a massive anthem from my teenage years – drainpipe jeans, big shirts, cardboard guitars, head banging.

So many fun memories.  I was tempted to turn it off as it wanted more of a hip grinding beat –  but I resisted.  What the heck, who am I not to be head banging and shaking it all down at 49.  WTF … no one is looking, not even me.

Dizzy with shaking my head too much (my body reminded me I wasn’t 17 anymore) I joined in with the lyrics:

Caus I’m as free as a bird now 

and this bird you cannot change

and this bird you cannot change

and this bird you cannot change

Lord knows, I can’t change.

By the end I was almost sobbing these words – angry, defiant, heart broken – shouting at that part of me that could only see my weakness and could focus on nothing else but my need to change.

Oh my god I realised – I don’t want to change, I don’t need to change … I cannot change.

After thinking for so many years that the solution to this ache was simply to change – to nail those bits of myself where I feel a deep sense of shame and inadequacy and to finally gather enough will power to change – was not the answer or the solution to this ache.

What I really need to do was just accept who I was.  I DON’T WANT TO CHANGE.  F**K IT … WHY SHOULD I CHANGE?  I AM DONE WITH NEEDING TO CHANGE.  (Well at least today I am!)

So, what do I want?

I want to be free.

I want to let go of what I think I need to be able to serve others.  I just want to be me.

I accept myself, my big heart, my big tears, my big boobs, my wobbly belly, my messiness, my creativity, my hugability, my deep desires, my femininity, my masculine energy.  ALL OF ME.

I am aghast at how basic this of course is, but also realistic enough to know that it is soooo not easy to live in this space of unconditional self-acceptance.

It is a gentle awakening.  A divine feminine awaking.  I am only just opening my eyes to this realisation.  They are full of sleep, but I honestly feel like the journey is starting and I can look forward to being fabulously ME at 50.

 

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4 people have commented
    • Thanks so much Mel. It was a big, visceral ah ha for me. The hard bit is how we then stay true to honouring our truth and that’s one of our big hopes for BLT – that we hold each gently accountable to these new ways of seeing ourselves in the world.

  1. It is crazy how our happiness is compromised because we think we’re not good enough, nice enough, skinny enough, or whatever – yet it’s sooooo hard to let all that go on a permanent basis! Thanks Kate for putting your thoughts out there, and thanks for all your work in bringing BLT to fruition cos I’m sure it’s going to be a wonderful wonderful thing for many many people!

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